Menu
Entertainment

First Dates cringefest: 'Some girls can't handle it, y'know?'

SOMETIMES the couples on First Dates are super-relatable - you know what it's like to go on a first date and just know it's right, and you also know what it's like to go on a first date and be trapped across the table from your worst nightmare, considering faking an aneurysm.

And sometimes, you just don't get what these couples could possibly see in each other.

Tuesday night's episode has the full spectrum of date experiences and suggestive mushrooms.

JAMES AND ABBIE

Abbie is a great girl. Gorgeous, straightforward, and as we'll learn quite quickly - extremely tolerant.

James is … James can't … James can be described using a single image.

Ayyyyyy rubber tie and finger pistols ayyyy.
Ayyyyyy rubber tie and finger pistols ayyyy. Channel 7

"I would much prefer someone that has a normal tie" says Abbie to camera, more politely than anyone deserves or expects.

"I've gotta congratulate you," he says to Abbie. "This is my first date ever. How does that make you feel?"

Ummmm like your facial hair is glued on.
Ummmm like your facial hair is glued on. Channel 7

James has never been on a date before, yet is still one hundred per cent convinced that he knows how to win over the laydieeez, and that is one hundred per cent how James would spell 'ladies'.

"YOU!" he demonstrates to camera, making clicking noises and gesturing. "Come here". That's. Yeah. That's it. Tell a girl to come here.

"It depends on your intent, love, it depends on how you approach," he explains to Abbie, whose intent it is to stop James calling her 'love' immediately.

This is a boy who has learned everything he knows about being a man from an uncle's rain-damaged VHS copy of Acropolis Now.

When asked to describe himself, James chooses to quote Wordsworth, and recites: "Like I'm intense, like I mean like, some girls like, 'cause I come across like … BOOM. Y'know, it's just like … some girls can't handle it, y'know?".

"Furthermore" he adds, "YOLO"

Abbie firmly declines a second date, claiming that there's a fine line between 'confident' and 'cocky'. The line between 'confident and 'dickhead' though, is as thick as an obnoxious necktie.

What do you mean cocky, this is just how I sit.
What do you mean cocky, this is just how I sit. Channel 7

SUZANNE AND RAY

It's easy to like Suzanne as she fronts up for her pre-date to-camera interview with producers. "I feel like I'm on the witness stand," she says. "Lebos don't do well on the witness stand." She tells us - unnecessarily now - that she's a pretty direct person.

Suzanne's date Ray has very specific things he looks for in a woman: hair, teeth, and nails. He's delighted to meet Suzanne, who has all three.

While Ray does his best to charm and beguile Suzanne by using sneaky tricks like compliments and humour, she tolerates him, more interested in a deeply intimate relationship with her potatoes.

Unfortunately for their mothers, the fact that Suzanne and Ray are both Lebanese and alive is not enough for a second date, at least for Suzanne. It's hard to tell though: she's so hard to read.

Just gimme a little sign, girl.
Just gimme a little sign, girl. Channel 7

MEGAN AND DALE

Okay, you know in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days how Kate Hudson tries to do all the things she possibly can to turn a guy off by being cutesy and intense and making everything about her?

Well Megan is nothing like that.

Megan's calm, down-to-earth date is Dale. Except for the fact that he likes hiking and doesn't believe in God, we don't really get to find out a lot about Dale. To know how he's feeling, all we have to go on is his facial expressions.

"I'm super into Lord of the Rings! I can speak Elvish! I taught myself archery!" says Megan, giggling.

"I also believe in the ideal of true love, and meeting the one, the Prince Charming, and um … yeah, I can do the Snow White voice really well!" says Megan, giggling.

Oh my goodness gracious meesies!
Oh my goodness gracious meesies! Channel 7

"I am often judged by boys because of my strong Christian beliefs including saving myself for marriage! However I am well within my rights to reject you based solely on your own beliefs!" says Megan, giggling.

In a result so unsurprising even the moss growing on Walt Disney's grave sees it coming, Megan and Dale do not go on a second date.

VICTOR AND DANNIELLE

By the time Victor tells us he used to be a stripper, even the moss growing on Jamie Durie's landscaped rockery had already guessed.

VICTOR NO.
VICTOR NO. Channel 7

In between making utterly disturbing popping noises with his mouth, Victor tells us he's looking for a woman with short hair who resembles popstar P!nk.

Being a hairdresser, it takes a while for Dannielle to come to terms with Victor's unfashionably long hair, or as they call it in the hairdressing business the 'short back and you were obviously once a stripper'. She also soldiers through the presence of a brown leather blazer, a character trait only present in the most resilient of women.

Victor likes his garments wipe-clean.
Victor likes his garments wipe-clean. Channel 7

Dannielle doesn't even flinch when Victor relentlessly - RELENTLESSLY - continues to make popping noises.

She withstands constant staring, spontaneous hand-holding, and cheesy lines like "I've got my dessert here". "When someone's looking at you that intensely, all I see is hair" she says, shrugging it off.

By the time we get to Awkward Question Time, there's no doubt in anybody's mind what Victor will say to another date. "Gosh, absolutely. Bloody oath I would. Absolutely. Yea. Absolutely. Yeah. Bloody oath" he gushes.

"'Why not" says Dannielle, somewhat less forthcoming.

KYLE AND ASHLEIGH

This is the kind of date you want if you're in a rush. Simple, no-nonsense, easy-to-eat-food, only one penis-shaped mushroom. It's the time-honoured, timesaving story.

Boy has tattoos:

And armpit hair that works as a skull toupee.
And armpit hair that works as a skull toupee. Channel 7

Girl gets all swoony about tattoos:

how us your ink bits.
how us your ink bits. Channel 7

Boy looks at girl like this:

I’m thinking a June wedding.
I’m thinking a June wedding. Channel 7

Girl looks at boy like this:

I’m thinking a tonight wedding.
I’m thinking a tonight wedding. Channel 7

Boy and girl mack on in front of the whole restaurant:

Sorry babe, you just had some risotto in your teeth.
Sorry babe, you just had some risotto in your teeth. Channel 7

And at the end of the date, everybody realises how utterly pissed boy and girl are.

Insy Winsy Spider will be our song, babe.
Insy Winsy Spider will be our song, babe. Channel 7

Kyle and Ashleigh agree to a second date. If nothing else, they're efficient.

Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely

Topics:  channel 7 first dates australia television

News Corp Australia


Cycling video secures driver conviction

VIDEO EVIDENCE: A motorcyclist has lost his licence for 18 months after his assault on two cyclists in June 2017 was captured on a rear-light bicycle video camera.

Motorcyclist loses licence after cyclist assault

Parents in favour of new vaccination laws

VAX LAWS: North Coast Health District officials are hoping new vaccination laws which prevent children not yet immunised from attending day care will persuade parents to protect their youngsters.

Children's lives saved through vaccination laws

RODEOS: An act of cruelty or respectable sport?

Joe Medway takes a fall while steer wrestling at the Alstonville Rodeo last year.

The annual Alstonville rodeo is on next weekend

Local Partners

Date set for Gold Coast Logies

FIVE months after it was announced that Queensland would host this year’s Logies, Channel 9 has finally announced the date.

Kylie reveals ‘nervous breakdown’ over split

Kylie Minogue and Joshua Sasse split in February last year causing Minogue a ‘nervous breakdown’. Picture: Mark Milan/GC Images

'My physical system was compromised. I think it’s called a nervous breakdown'

I’m a Celeb outrage: ‘You’ve hit rock bottom’

David and Lisa Oldfield pose for a portrait at their home in Belrose.

VIEWERS vent their anger and disappointment at the latest intruders.

Screenworks gets funding to go national

Screenworks General Manager Ken Crouch.

Evolution program has received funding from Screen Australia

Shock twist: MAFS affair explodes

A mess.

The final decision left everyone stunned.

Stone the flamin’ crows: Home and Away actor's new project

Ray Meagher has launched his own line of hot sauce.

Stone the flamin’ crows! Actor releases own line of hot sauce

Audience member shocked penis puppeteer

Rich Binning and Barry Brisco from Puppetry of the Penis.

It takes a lot to shock Rich Binning who appears nude on stage