US votes to do nothing after a $3 billion election blitz
THE United States has re-elected the same guy to run the civilised world after the major parties spent $3 billion to spin lies and counter-lies on television and use powerful adjectives to tell Americans how great they were.
The re-election of Brack Oblama after such a long campaign was met with euphoria by about half the population for about five minutes.
Then they went back to attacking the government over debt, spending and the health care system.
The other half of the population, Republicans, non-voters and illegal migrants, went back to predicting the end of the world under a Democrat president and promising to do everything possible to undermine any progress for the nation. There was also a tea party.
Mr Oblama said, while the United States was a great country, it was too divided to actually do anything.
"As President I have the power to wave, give speeches and start the occasional war but it would be unrealistic to expect any actual policy implementation," he said.
"Anything I put up will be vetoed by congress and anything congress puts up will be vetoed by me. That is what makes us the greatest democracy in the world."
Mr Oblama swept into office in 2008 promising hope and some fairly cool T-shirts. He said, while very little was achieved in his first four years, he had not lost hope and he still had quite a few of the T-shirts.
Mr Oblama's re-election came on the back of strong support from middle-class women, minority groups, auto industry workers and Bruce Springsteen. He received no support from middle-class men, scary southern women with guns or Clint Eastwood.
Republican candidate Mitt Wrongly, who won the nomination after everybody else pulled out, came unstuck when it was revealed he was rich and tended to export jobs.
The campaign was estimated to have cost more than $3 billion at a time when the US is gripped by poverty, homelessness and a squizillion dollar debt.
The parties justified the spending on the basis that the funds came mostly from rich people who had nothing better to do with the money.
Prime Minister Julia Gizzard welcomed Mr Oblama's re-election.
"He knows my name and I get a bit giggly around him," she admitted.
"He thinks I'm from Austria and keeps making jokes about goats but it's still all the way with OBA."
Memorable Quotes from throughout time
We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction. - Douglas MacArthur
Never have more children than you have car windows. - Erma Bombeck
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. - George Carlin
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. - Will Rogers
Thirsty Cow is fiction. We just make it up.