Jetstar market expansion plans cancelled out of habit

INVESTORS have piled into Virgin Australia stocks as JetStar CEO David Hall prepared to make a statement today.

The market movement is rumoured to come from the abject terror most people feel whenever JetStar announces something.

Mr Hall announced at a press conference that had been rescheduled six times that JetStar was "looking to expand".

"JetStar's changing marketing mix will see us more vertically integrated into the tears and anguish market," Mr Hall said.

"We're hoping that by early 2015 we can begin cancelling other airlines' flights as well.

"We feel that having your flight delayed or cancelled is an important part of the budget experience."

Flights and Revenue Queensland general manager Jenn Erlmanger warned of rapid-fire corporate changes.

"Last month's discounted prices on cancelled flights made sense to nobody but JetStar," she said.

"Customers may not be aware that the airline's new deal with Bono means flight refunds will come in the form of U2 albums."

Also at the press conference, JetStar flight scheduler Kit Nistone received recognition for breaking the record of days ruined by delayed flights.

"I love what I do and am always grateful that I can impact the community," he said.

"Unfortunately I recently cancelled my own life-saving surgery."

Mr Nistone will be remembered at 2pm next Wednesday.


Frisky Business is a satirical column. It is not real. 

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