Girl Tuesday - a column by Maggie Cooper.
Girl Tuesday - a column by Maggie Cooper.

Rudolph is on the nose

IT HAS been drawn to my attention that there are some serious reviews needed of a popular Christmas song, as upon examination it has been found to contain some extremely upsetting political incorrectness.

I refer, of course, to that bastion of bullying, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Incites vilification. Suggest line be reworded to Rudolf the nasally-tinted reindeer.

Had a very shiny nose

As above. No reason to point out subject’s facial shortcomings. Suggest removal of all references to reindeer’s proboscis.

And if you ever saw it

You would even say it glowed.

Oh, good lord! More of the same. Refer to above suggestions.

All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and call him names

They never let poor Rudolph

Join in any reindeer games.

It’s clear that there are serious behavioural issues present in this work team. Suggest entire lot be sent for counselling to teach them some manners, and some group morale-building exercises. I would also strongly suggest that the union be called in to closely examine scheduling problems. The concept of a work team being on standby for 364 days of the year, and then be forced to cover a, frankly, quite unrealistic flight path in one night is dodgy at best. Has anybody in the union actually sighted Santa Claus’s work references?

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Whoa! OH&S alarm bells are ringing here, loud and clear. Suggest the reindeer team call an immediate stop-work meeting, and consult a satellite weather map before returning to work. Also suggest they demand an instant inspection of safety gear, paying particular attention to flares and emergency beacons.

Santa came to say

Rudolph with your nose so bright

Won’t you guide our sleigh tonight.

I’m sorry, that’s just not good enough. Has Rudolph been given proper leadership training? Given his former self-esteem issues, I rather doubt he is capable of taking over, given such short notice.

Then all the reindeer loved him

And they shouted out with glee

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

You’ll go down in history.

Well. What a fickle lot. What a pathetic effort. More group morale building exercises. Suggest a social outing, possibly to play Paintball.

Merry Christmas, everyone.



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