Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

Pockets 'serve no purpose': inquiry

THE Federal Government is considering a ban on pockets after a parliamentary inquiry found they served no practical human purpose.

A six-month investigation found that about 10 billion cubic metres of fabric was wasted every year on pockets that were never used for anything.

"Men once used pockets for carrying wallets but modern coins and the 200 plastic cards held in the average wallet have caused chronic pant pocket distortion," the report found.

"And lab tests done on pocket hankies have revealed unspeakable germ horrors that have caused several pockets to be taped shut and condemned."

The report, titled Pockets: What are they good for? said, while pockets may still be useful to carry pens, this practice carried an unacceptable risk of premature ink discharge and should be discouraged.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said she was sympathetic to the findings and she hoped it would encourage men to find their feminine side and start using all-purpose carry-alls.

"It's time they stopped pretending that they don't have the same amount of crap to carry around as women," she said. "Pockets are a product from a pre-metro-sexual age when real men wore King Gee shorts and had genuine dirt under their fingernails."

Ms Gizzard said the government was unlikely to proactively pursue rogue pocket wearers but would act "with the full force of the law" if anyone tried to defy the ban.

The legislation may allow fake pockets and magicians will be able to apply for a special certificate allowing them to have secret pockets and things hidden up their sleeves.

Lobby group Men for Pockets said the proposed ban was a breach of civil liberties and would discriminate against shy men who put their hands in their pockets because they didn't know what else to do with them.

"This could see an end to pocket watches, pocket calculators, pocket books and pick pockets," founder Rory Rinso said.

Sullen teenage boys were also upset, arguing that it was hard to achieve a valid "Angry Boys" stance without putting hands in pockets and leaning against a post.

Opposition leader Tony Abshot said he would oppose the move "because I'm on a roll and pretty much opposing everything at the moment".

Mr Abshot said when he was a boy he used to keep his pet frog in his pocket.

"I didn't shower much in those days so it was probably an endangered species," he said.

Former Coalition leader Malcolm Turncoat said he would support the pocket ban "just to be annoying".

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. It takes no responsibility for events in the real world.



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