OPINION: Refugee revenue saving

I ALMOST became a little misty eyed this morning - but then I remembered the National Interest.

One mustn't let sentimentality get in the way of an effective policy: What are the deaths by fire of one or two reffos when we've succeeded in stopping the boats?

Didn't we save these people from drowning at sea? Then they go and top themselves. There's gratitude.

Then again … with every less inmate in the camps at Manus and elsewhere, we save $400,000 a year. Imagine what that adds up to over years - and many of these pesky illegals will cling on to life, upsetting the economic plans so masterfully devised by Joe and Scott (who knows a thing or two about unauthorised maritime arrivals.)

In fact, it would help if they all killed themselves: We can blame the bleeding hearts who persuade them to, you know, burn themselves alive in a cunning stratagem to force us to change our policies.

But if the detainees insist on self-immolation, there may be a way to exploit it (that is, bring deliverables into the loop to incentivise proactive synergies going forward). We'd just have to put our wimpy feelings aside. Prosperity is not for the squeamish.

"A human limb burns a little like a tree branch," says Californian fire investigator John DeHaan.

"First, the thin outer layers of skin fry and begin to peel off as the flames dance across their surface. Then, after about five minutes, the thicker dermal layer of skin shrinks and begins to split, allowing the underlying yellow fat to leak out.

"Body fat can make a good fuel source, but it needs material such as clothing or charred wood to act as a wick. Like in a candle, a wick absorbs the fat and pulls it into the flame, where it is vapourised, so enabling it to burn."

A body will burn for several hours, providing enough energy to light up a second or third investment property. It's renewable too!

The inmates would have to volunteer. We're not murderers. And while it's excruciating, at least it's quick and the fortune saved on fire extinguishers would put us on the path to surplus.

Meantime, other forms of self-termination would have to be discouraged. Special noose-cutting knives have reduced hangings. Then the perpetrator faces criminal charges, a fine and … a jail sentence.

That'll teach them.

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