Opinion: Put the chainsaw down

THE chainsaw has an attraction for many people. Greenies will sit in front of bulldozers and perch up trees to see one at work.

Most households have a chainsaw which is put to a variety of uses. One husband, ordered by the court to give his estranged wife half the house, was reported to have done just that.

The Northern Star once told of two under-the-weather Yanks who, when they were refused a drink at the pub, brought along their chainsaw and turned the bar into a two-piece.

Then there was the North Coast bloke who found the chainsaw handy in an emergency. After a long search to find a suitable slab of red cedar for a front door, he spent ages shaping and polishing it to a rich ruddy hue. Proud of the finished product, he went out to celebrate and overstayed his time in the pub.

When he came home, he was locked out. So what did he do? He got out his trusty buzzsaw, cut a hole in the door and was in.

The use of the chainsaw has become so common that the day may come when we see chainsaw duels like those of earlier times using swords and other sharp things. Big Dan from Sydney, though, tells us he has a better method of settling a dispute. He'd used it when a neighbour, newly arrived in the country, called him to the fence and said, "That is my egg in your yard."

"Nah, mate," said Big Dan. "It's my egg. What's on my side of the fence is mine. What's on your side is yours."

"My chicken flew over the fence and laid the egg there. It is my chicken, so it is my egg."

That's when Big Dan challenged him to his method of settling the dispute, an arse-kicking contest. "Since you started it, I get first kick," Big Dan said. "Then you have yours."

Next Door climbed the fence and bent over. Big Dan's boot, dead centre, nearly sent him into orbit.

When the man recovered he said, "Now it is my turn to kick you."

"Nah," said Big Dan. "I'm sick of arguing, You take the egg . . ."

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