Opinion: My new reason to hate reality TV
I HAVE a new reason to dislike reality television.
As I have often mentioned in this column, I have a deep and abiding hatred of this modern phenomenon.
My reason, up to this point, is that I believe we are being dumbed down by scripted cooking competitions, bachelor shows and voyeuristic Big Brother-style programs that often force talentless and sometimes downright unpleasant people into a 15-minutes-of-fame scenario.
However, the building makeover shows have given me that extra reason - my new house (that is not actually new, you understand, just new to me) has been renovated by a family I suspect is addicted to The Block, Renovation Rescue and House Rules.
There's not a surface that hasn't been feature-painted, wallpapered, faux sandstoned or bambooed. The guest room looks like they went to Bali for a holiday and came back with a container load of tropical tizz - there's even a jungle mural firmly stuck to a wall right in front of me as I type this. I may need to dash off and grab an umbrella; it looks as though it could rain on me at any moment.
The whole place has been Scott-Cammed to within an inch of its life.
And the bathtub is a bright, shiny fire-engine red. Yes, red. It looks as though Alfred Hitchcock filmed Psycho in there when I am having a soak. It's so disturbing I have to squirt bubble bath in the water so I don't have nightmares when I sleep.
And so begins the long and tedious process of removing the tack. The front lawn has stacked on it an entire wall-load of dark brown jumbo bamboo paneling (at least they only screwed it on and didn't glue it) with a plaintive, nay, begging "Free" sign attached. I'm hoping a passerby might be inspired and cart it off to build a gazebo or turn their boudoir into a set for a Tarzan movie.
Every time I walk into the dunny I expect Johanna Griggs to be there; it has the same fake limestone blocks stuck on the wall that are used to decorate the front of a Dan Murphy liquor outlet. In fact, the chain has inspired the whole colour scheme of the toilet; I have a sneaking suspicion the previous owner worked there and carted off the leftover paint and tiles he found in a storeroom out the back.
The kitchen is a cacophony of materials and colours; pine laminate cupboards sport a colour not found in nature, with a lime green bench top from the 1980s, the decade that good taste forgot. In an effort to tone down the pine, they've affixed white mini orb to the end panels. I've resorted to wearing sunglasses when I'm cooking.
I'm not quite sure where to begin.