OPINION: I will mow you down scary clowns
I REALLY don't understand this clown craze.
What is the point of it?
Dress up in a ridiculous jumpsuit, paint your face or don a creepy latex mask, sweat your socks off with a machete and cause someone to soil themselves.
It's all fun and games until you get run over, shot, punched or beaten to death with your own giant shoes right?
I wish I had the time to dress up as a clown as terrorise a city.
I really do.
I wish I had the hours free to do that, but I don't.
Seeing these morons makes me wonder though, what are they doing with their time?
I'm assuming a lot of devil's lettuce in the first place to be inspired to do it.
My little Barina doesn't have many guts but if confronted by a manic, masked figure with a sharp object I will be redlining the little pocket rocket and playing bowl over the circus freak.
It's going to make for an awkward Halloween this year too.
Instead of the standard offer of some month-old cashew nuts and a shake of the head to anyone silly enough to celebrate Halloween, this year trick-or-treaters in my hood can expect much, much worse.
I'm going to reach for the Jatz that ran out of date in 2012 and I'll be wielding a 9-iron.
Just in case any of you clowns think it's funny to hold a machete to my throat in the name of pointless, commercial celebrations.
In all seriousness, do us all a favour and do something productive with your time.
Why not dress as a friendly clown and spend time at a kid's ward in a hospital? Put some smiles on faces fearing a life cut far too short, not some idiot with a knife.
Sure, it may not be the same as causing an elderly person a heart attack through your stupidity but it'd still be pretty rewarding, even for you mouth breathers.
Why not stay inside your own home, dressed as a clown and see how many windows you can lick in 48 hours?
There's less threat of being shot by police or killed via vigilante justice but on the plus side you'll have cleaned your windows.
The other bone I have to pick is you're not even using miniature cars to carry out your reign of terror.
I would have some begrudging respect if I saw a clown unfold himself from a kid's trike before scaring someone senseless.
At least that'd be staying true to clown culture.
This on-foot nonsense with selfies and snapchats is pathetic.
So who will save us from this carnie scourge? Perhaps we need a band of pie-chuckers, armed with cream cakes at all times, ready to smash cake into the face of a rogue clown.
Or send them all to America. A knife in public should get you nuked there.