‘Hi, mum? I broke my penis’
HIS story is part cautionary tale, part punchline.
Four years ago, Ross Asdourian hooked up with a girl he knew from uni. As is sometimes customary with casual hook-ups, he regretted it. What was not customary was the panicked, unforgettable 911 call he made that night:
"Hi. I think I'm going to need an ambulance. I believe I broke my penis," Asdourian told the operator.
In the book Broken Bananah, the now 32-year-old writer and video producer recounts his alarmingly quick nightmare journey from the throes of ecstasy to a sterile hospital bed.
After taking an ambulance to a medical centre on New York's Upper East Side, Asdourian contemplated how he might explain his injury to people. He drafted an email: "I essentially tore a penis muscle and fractured my urethra having sex with a former college hook-up who randomly was in town tonight."
His mum, at least, took it well. She hopped right on a flight from Florida to New York when he called, adding, "Please don't be stupid, I still want grandchildren."
Asdourian, whose official diagnosis was a "corpus cavernosa rupture", should have no problem granting her wish one day, thanks to help of a team of professionals (including one aptly named Dr Wang) and $60,000 in medical bills. After four months with a catheter, two surgeries and - yes - both internal and external stitches, "Lucky" is as good as new and Asdourian is still single. You're welcome, ladies.
(And for the guys out there: no, penile sex injuries are not very common.)
As for why he chose to write a book and immortalise "one of the most painful accidents of [his] life", rather than tuck it away in the darkest annals of memory, Asdourian says he wants his grandkids to be able to read this crazy tale one day. "I honestly believe that everyone has a story to tell and this just happened to be mine," he told the New York Post. "I love to make people laugh and if it's at my expense, that's all right."
This story originally appeared in the New York Post and is republished with permission