Strange Politics: Turnbull cans knights, dragons invade
TURNBULL, you diabolical genius.
Just when everyone thought it was safe, our new Prime Minister sneaks through a momentous change amid the deafening white noise of a GST increase.
Yet nobody blinks an eye. It is utter madness.
Here we are worrying about shelling out a few extra shekels on the weekly broccoli shop when our very lives are on the line.
Think about it: how many dragon attacks have there been since Tony Abbott brought back knights?
Call them anachronistic remnants of colonialism, but the statistics speak for themselves. Not a single one.
Some misguided media-types have suggested scrapping knighthoods and damehoods was a cleverly-timed distraction from the real issue - an expanded GST to be taken to the next federal election.
Those blind fools.
A GST hike was always going to be controversial, no doubt about that.
New analysis from the National Centre for Social and Economic Modelling found the 5% increase would slam peasants' wealth while leaving the moneyed gentry relatively without a scratch.
The current 10% GST eats up 13.4% of disposable income for Australians in the bottom fifth of households, but that would reach 20.1% under the increased GST.
The richest fifth, currently forking out 5.9% of their caviar money on the GST, would only pay 8.8% under the new model.
Offsetting the GST with lower income tax rates would only extend the gap. All very worrying stuff.
But it pales in significance to swarms of winged, sulphur breathing serpents blackening the sky over Parliament House.
Our newest knight, Prince Philip, is already 94 years old and there will be no more young dragon-slaying blood coming through the ranks.
Can we really expect an Order of Australia recipient to take on one of these scaly monstrosities?
Most of them don't even wear armour.
It makes you question Malcolm Turnbull's real motives.
Now I'm not explicitly saying our new Prime Minister is a dragon-whisperer with dreams of being tyrannical overlord to a militarised horde of flying reptiles, but you never know.
I never imagined our last one would bring back knighthoods.
Strange Politics is a satirical column. Follow Chris Calcino on Twitter: @ChrisCalcino