Every woman in Australia wants this man
When Ciarran Stott first burst onto our screens on Angie Kent's season of The Bachelorette, the women of Australia were split straight down the centre - those who felt an inexplicable yearning deep inside their lady loins for the "fabulously British" lad, and those who simply couldn't see the appeal.
Speaking on behalf of the former, we can understand your confusion. It's not every day that a self-prescribed "Sexual Willy Wonka" takes out the top spot on every housewife's 'to-do' list. But give in, is my advice. Because for us, there's something so wrong, but so-so right about falling deeply in lust with Ciarran Stott. (Sure you'd have to excuse his latest bad boy antics on Bachelor In Paradise, but more on that later.)
Put on your lab coats and pull out your shag pile rugs, because we're putting Ciarran Stott's sex appeal under the microscope.
Above all, the bloke is in touch with his feminine side. And we love to see it. In days of old, the likes of Bruce Willis or Clint Eastwood were pin-ups for perfect masculinity. But do you know who the girls are swooning after these days? Harry Styles and Timothée Chalamet. Because in 2020, if he doesn't dress like a curtain and talk like a small bird, we don't want him.
All throughout Angie's season of The Bachelorette, Ciarran made choices that challenged masculinity standards. He confessed to having had a nose job, he doted over his grandmother, rocked a roll neck jumper, and adorned his nether regions with a garden of grapes.
A bad boy in looks but a good boy at heart - his confidence and self-expression blew a much needed breath of fresh air into Australian reality tele.
There are plenty of reasons to fall madly, deeply in love with the platinum haired Tarzan. But tread with caution. Because Ciarran Stott is bloody gorgeous, whether or not he does it for you. And gorgeous men do some stupid things.
Bachelor in Paradise is where reality TV sweethearts' reputations go to die. The spin-off series has the ability to completely flip public opinion on once adored or reviled contestants. When Ciarran walked out on Angie's season, he was heralded as a hero. Only now in Paradise are we learning that the Austin Powers lookalike really is a man of mystery.
Earlier this week, his ex and fellow Bachie contestant Renee Barrett dropped bombshells big enough to sink all of Fiji - like the fact that Ciarran left Angie to reunite with his ex, not just because of his dear Nan's death like he had us (and Angie) believe.
Surprise surprise, the good boy/bad boy turned out to be whole other kind of boy - a f**k boy.
Perhaps Ciarran should have quit while he was ahead. Or perhaps we as viewers need to stop expecting these half-naked hotties to either be all good or all bad. Is Ciarran the perfect gentleman he was painted to be? No. Does that make his neck tats any less sexy? Also no.
We've certainly seen a disappointing and different side to the, er, 'geezer'. One that's less to do with unravelling toxic masculinity, and more to do with jumping into bed with multiple women.
Sure, you probably wouldn't want to date the bloke anymore. But that doesn't mean you can't admire that godlike physique while watching him on TV, even if it means you have to turn the volume down every time he starts spurting out lies.
So give into your guilty pleasure, ladies. And accept the lad for what he is - an oil painting with an accent.
Abbey Lenton is a radio host and freelance writer | @AbbeyLenton
Originally published as Every woman in Australia wants this man