Bachelorette recap: Not even Sophie could hide her pain
JUST two weeks into The Bachelorette and Sophie Monk has suffered through a group date so embarrassing that even she couldn't hide her torment.
As with most things that go downhill on this show, Osher is solely to blame.
When he arrives at the mansion at the beginning of Thursday night's episode, he actually threatens to whip something out of his pants.
That's not even me exaggerating - that's word-for-word what happens.
Of course, everyone freaks out at the thought of him following through on the promise, so they submit and say they'll play along with whatever stupid game he's prepared.
The boys are made to compete in a series of tasks to prove how manly they are. According to Osher, the manliness of a man is determined by the length of his plank. They drop to their hands and knees and I spend the whole challenge thinking about Cher and being unimpressed at their efforts
Then Jarrod basically goes insane while ripping wheels off a Mitsubishi like a MOFO before the remaining boys are made to put together some flatpack Ikea furniture Osher's bought.
Osher keeps crapping on about how these tasks define the ultimate man and I have to disagree. I don't want to get all Shania Twain, but the ability to waste an entire weekend putting together cheap furniture don't impress me much. What does impress me? The ability to make a decent cup of coffee, the smarts to update my iPhone's iOS so I don't have to and the knowledge that not every single piece of clothing you own can go in the dryer.
The final challenge involves the men doing something with fire and by now Sophie's wondering what was so wrong with that Madden brother.
Anyway, James scores the date and he's super lovely and nice and I know a lot of you are rooting for him, but Sophie isn't really feeling it and she doesn't kiss him, so can you please leave your own personal attraction to him out of this.
She has freely admitted she'll pash on with anyone - but James misses out.
The following day, Sophie's given some terrible news. She's informed it's been two weeks - and it's time she acted on one of the "double delight" dates she promised to Sam in episode one.
She studies the rules of the game to try and find a loophole to retract the offer and Sam watches on nervously.
They proceed to make some Donna Hay packet mix cakes and I'd like to raise concerns that Sam does not wear a hairnet.
Sophie wants to get this date done so quick that she reaches into the oven to remove the tray of baked goods with her BARE HANDS.
Over wine, Sam gets confessional and informs us he's super special and "injects magic into the day and into events".
Sophie's a total trooper. She's successfully completed one of these two contractually obligated "double delight" dates and managed to do it without getting a strand of Sam's hair in her mouth.
She even successfully dodges a kiss from him.
Later that night at the rose ceremony, Apollo finally gives us a good forking.
And of course, Jarrod isn't far away. He's been monitoring Sophie's interactions with the other boys and he decides it's time to swoop in, armed with a potplant as a symbol of their budding relationship or their fertile future, or some rubbish.
I don't want to give away any spoilers, but I have managed to get my hands on footage that will air six weeks from now that shows Jarrod finding out what's happened to Sophie's potplant.
At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Ryan and a man named Bingham. I'll admit, every time I hear his name all I think of is Chandler Bing.
While sending Ryan home would have made for a more interesting episode, we're also reminded of scenes from earlier in the day where he literally smashed a flatpack wardrobe with a mallet and left it in splinters.
Scared of what Ryan might do to her own wardrobe and the wardrobes of her family, Sophie lets Ryan stay and sends Chandler home.